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The Cut

The beloved internet writer talks to Heather Havrilesky about his new identity.

Like early David Bowie or late Barbra Streisand, Daniel Mallory Ortberg is a multi-faceted, spinning-top type of genius — flexible, lightning-quick, complicated, unfathomable.He might play a sensible advice columnist on the internet (he took over Slate’s “ Dear Prudence ” column in 2015), and he might’ve played a literature-loving weirdo alien from the far reaches of space before that (he co-founded the Toast, that late, great testament to razor-sharp, freaky-ass feminism), but now a whole new universe of possibilities awaits him as he transitions from life as Mallory to life as Daniel.

Ortberg announced his transition just days before the release of his new book, The Merry Spinster: Tales of Everyday Horror , a collection of strange and wonderful short stories based on fairy-tales. Where Ortberg’s first book, Texts From Jane Eyre , delighted and beguiled like a flurry of boudoir tricks, The Merry Spinster goes much deeper, brilliantly undermining our crustiest assumptions about gender, cultural expectations, and the wide world around us.I met him last weekend in Pismo Beach, California, for a conversation about the mysteries of gender, attraction, identity, and the joys of realizing “I can want things,” as he put it.

Putting a book out is an intense experience for anyone, but it seems particularly intense in the midst of transitioning, in terms of who you are becoming now versus how the world has understood you up to this point. It’s felt really different, for sure. I’ve felt much more anxiety and need to control and manage that. And part of what I’ve noticed in myself over this last year — you know, I took a lot of time off Twitter and spent more time on Instagram , in part because I was just developing this new obsession with my own face, trying to figure out what my new relationship to it was, and I’ve been very aware that that process was useful to me in a lot of ways. But it’s also been like, “Oh, you’re really trying to curate an image here, aren’t you?” And realizing that you’re trying is sometimes painful.

Putting a book out is an intense experience for anyone, but it seems particularly intense in the midst of transitioning, in terms of who you are becoming now versus how the world has understood you up to this point.

What has been your biggest fear in terms of coming out? I think the biggest fear that I have had, which I am now not doing, was the idea of going on this book tour and not being out, just because I anticipated being asked a lot of questions like “So there’s a whole bunch of stuff about gender in your book, what’s that about?” And I’d have to say something like, “Oh, isn’t that interesting? But there’s no personal connection or anything, it’s just a thought experiment!” I was really anxious at the thought of going on a book tour and sidestepping something.

Little Falls
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191 Reviews
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116 1st St SE , Little Falls, MN 56345-3002
+1 320-632-5374
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Is it a little sad that my first thought on a $48k mortgage only annual payment was “ohh that’s pretty affordable for San Fran! Nice find!” >_<

Childcare is ridiculous as always. I mean their food costs is half of their housing…to me* it seems HIGH for 3 people (one being a kid too) but everything else on the budget looks to be about right (middle class) after you adjust for the cost of living.

*I've lived in SF half of my life and food isn't that much more expensive compare to Seattle. SF is foodie paradise.

And $53k net worth gains being built in isn't bad at all! It's really good actually! That gain is probably the biggest non middle class-y part about this.

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maggie says

I live in Princeton, NJ, formerly of NYC. So, a coastal-ish place in a high income/cost area.

I think most of your chart is correct but I would add another 24k/year for expenses (childcare) for a 2nd child, if you do want to say this is for a family of 4. I know your chart says the childcare is for just 1 child but in your intro you said for a family of 4. I have 2 kids and each one costs about 2k/month in childcare for high quality care. Luckily the older one will be starting public kindergarten in fall of 2019 so that will be a nice savings!!


Is it really double the cost for two kids? Surely there are workarounds to saving money for childcare. Some hire an au pair, the babysitters I speak to don’t charge double for two kids, and the daycare providers provide some discount. 50%-65% more, but not 100% more.

I feel that every parent figures out a way not to pay double the cost once the second child is born.


Reisen says

Every daycare provider I know (maybe 12 locations?) charges per child. You might get a 5-10% discount on the second child, or perhaps both. But it’s pretty close to double for two kids. In our case, our non-profit daycare gave us 5% off the total bill for having two kids enrolled at once.

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This is why when our second child was ready for daycare we switched to a nanny. It was 2 kids for 1.5x cost of 1 and no more commuting to/from daycare… kids stayed in our house. Way better deal


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